How to convince an expectant mother to choose you.

I was just fourteen years old when the lady from the adoption agency peppered me with questions before handing me three different profiles of hopeful adoptive parents. These booklets were full of couples sharing all of their most promising qualities, each one eager for the same thing, an expectant mother to choose them to raise her baby. According to createafamily.org “Approximately 25,700 infants were adopted in the US in 2019. Approximately 19,700 were adopted in 2020. We speak in estimates regarding domestic infant adoptions because domestic infant adoption is controlled by state law, and there is no one source where data is compiled.”  And while there are no exact numbers, the estimate of couples waiting to adopt in the U.S. at any given time is around one to two million. With adoption becoming a more openly discussed topic, malpractice being exposed, adoption plans declining and waiting families increasing, what can you possibly do to stand out? Keep reading because it’s likely not what you think.

Most consultants will advise you to curate the perfect profile book. From selecting the best photos to telling the sweetest stories, you want to show up in classic storybook fashion, polished and perfect…but what if I told you that isn’t enough to stand out and could even hinder you in the end. One of the profiles I quickly dismissed was from a couple describing their discipline theory. “When necessary, we spank with a wooden spoon.” At the time I was appalled that anyone would openly proclaim something so bold but time is a lovely teacher if we allow it to be and I now appreciate that honest confession. Had I chosen that couple under the guise that they practiced gentle parenting and later reunified with my child and learned she spent her childhood being disciplined with a wooden spoon, I would have felt outrage over having been misled. Their honesty, however unpalatable, was exactly what I never realized I needed and is the perfect precursor to helping you understand what you can and should do when pursuing adoption.

The single most important thing you can do to increase the likelihood of a positive adoption experience is to be authentic, nothing more and nothing less. Yes, I skipped over the corporal punishment couple because of their honesty but keep in mind that the goal isn’t really to ‘make’ an expectant mother choose you, if that’s your current goal I strongly urge you to take a step back, read some studies, speak to adult adoptees and reevaluate your plan. The goal is and should be to provide a safe, stable and loving home to a child and to honor the woman entrusting you with that privilege. It’s difficult to do either if your relationship is built on lies. Vulnerability is the million dollar word is a world full of highlight reels and self preservation. Expectant mothers considering an adoption plan are often more scared than you can imagine. Walking through a season of uncertainty, grief, and fear most often layered with shame, judgment, and guilt makes them the second most vulnerable person in this triad…the first being the child who has no say in how they will soon start their life outside of the womb. With that in mind, consider how valuable a genuine connection will be for everyone involved.   

According to a recent survey the most important thing to a birthmother when choosing an adoptive family is their views on openness in adoption, in fact, 54.4% noted this over financial success, health, age, race, and even political, religious or social views. (Birth Parent Experiences, a joint research project by Brave Love, NCFA, and OPT Institute, p.10) According to my own unofficial and undocumented research as an educator and advocate within the adoption community, the most destructive and devastating thing (for both adoptees and birthmothers) is when adoptive parents agree to an open relationship but later cease contact. Unfortunately, there are no laws in any of the fifty states to protect a birthmother's rights after an adoption is finalized. Statistically speaking, more adoptees than not report a longing to know their biology thus nurturing healthy relationships with biological families creates a richer quality of life and overall better experience for adoptees compared to their peers that were intentionally kept from forming any biological connections. Knowing how vital openness is to most expectant mothers and adoptees, let’s discuss how to navigate this topic when creating an honest profile that will surely stand out.

 When considering what levels of openness you hope to cultivate in any future adoptive relationships, first take the time to understand how truly imperative this decision is. You need to decide what you can realistically offer, anything more than that will be a bonus and anything less, a disappointment. Be honest with yourself so that you can be honest in your profile. Dedicate an entire page to explaining your heart as you consider future letters, photos, emails, FaceTime calls, get togethers, birthday parties, and milestone events. Never make promises you don’t intend to keep but I urge you to not reluctantly agree to only the bare minimum as a result of unaddressed jealousy or fear. Adoption agencies pushing for less should be seen as a bright red flag since the research clearly points to the benefits of open adoption after years of studying the negative implications of those that were mandated to remain closed. 

Beyond being honest in your proclamation for your future relationship, let your personality shine through in every other thing you share. Skip formalities, there is a time and a place for that type of decorum and it isn’t here. Do you value home cooked meals but more often than not run through the drive-thru? Go ahead and tell her. Do you hope to co-sleep or sleep train? She deserves to know. Do you love your hometown or hope to move across the country one day? None of us can predict the future but that feels like a good conversation to have. Do you cuss like a sailor, hold strict religious beliefs or identify as more of an untethered free spirit? Do you work more than you’re home or just work enough to pay the bills so that you can adventure in your time off? Do you chase storms, collect obscure memorabilia or believe in Bigfoot? Say it! The worst misinformation I’ve heard agencies and consultants pedal is this asinine idea that you need to appear perfect. As a birthmother faced with making the hardest decision of my life, I assure you I never looked for perfect…I just wanted real.

Hey there sunshine, I’m honored that you took the time to read this article. I’m Raquel McCloud, a child of kinship care, birthmother in reunion and kinship adoptive mom that uses my lived experience, education and community involvement to cultivate resources like this! You can find my adoption + kinship care children’s books here, my reader supported newsletter here and follow my Instagram @McCloudLife for daily adoption and kinship care content. www.mccloudlife.com